Beware the silken-tongued banker…

I got an interesting piece of mail last week.

My bankers, NatWest, have invited me to apply for the NatWest “Black” card. Ooh, lucky me!

If you’ve never brushed shoulders with the Monaco set, or spent your summers at The Hamptons (as indeed, I certainly haven’t), you probably won’t have been exposed to the mythical luxury of the Black card. Black is for people who aren’t like us. Black is for people with only one name (e.g. Kylie). Black is for people who turn left when they get on a plane; because they’ve got on the plane first; and because they’re only on the plane because the private jet is already taking the kids somewhere else. Black is for people who know what to do with a butler (whereas I would end up having a stilted conversation about ironing or something). You get the gist.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the slightest bit resentful- if you’re jolly rich, congratulations!

But I’m only an ordinary businessman. I fly Easyjet because it’s my money I’m spending! Which made me slightly suspicious that my bank should offer me a super-premium credit card. I could think of only two explanations:

  1. I’m richer than I thought I was (errr… nope!)
  2. This is a marketing ploy. Far from being a genuinely exclusive Black card, this is a card which plays on the history of what Black signifies; but actually just means more money for the bank. A bit like going to Stringfellows nightclub: twenty years ago it was a sign of prestige; but today it’s no more exclusive than your local Jumpin’ Jaks.

The latter is unfortunately true. Oh yes, those who sign up to NatWest Black will indeed be making the bank an enormous amount of money.

Because the interest rate on NatWest Black is… an astonishing…  51.8%APR.

Even though I’m not immensely wealthy, I have bumped into a lot of wealthy people. As a journalist and entrepreneur, I have interviewed several millionaire entrepreneurs. Recently, I had a backstage glimpse inside one of London’s most exclusive casinos, where the smallest chip was worth £10,000. And I know one thing about extremely rich people: they didn’t get there by signing up to credit cards with 51.8%APR rates of interest; even if got them a better seat in the airport lounge or roadside travel assistance.

Users of a true Black card don’t sit in airport lounges at all; and the only person who will need roadside travel assistance is the chauffeur.

Thank you, NatWest, for your distinctly duplicitous marketing; but if I’m going to have any chance of joining the Black card jet set, it won’t be on this card. Businesspeople like me need to rein in their egos, spot the marketing traps, and fly economy all the way. Leave the glamour until you’ve hit the big time- it’ll taste all the better when you do.

Need advice? Don’t pay – get a mentor

I’m a big fan of Twitter. What I love about Twitter is that it’s like a Reader’s Digest of clever people: lots of good advice neatly compressed into five minutes of reading. And, because I’m pretty busy, that’s a good thing.

However, not every piece of advice posted to Twitter is particularly good.

One of the people I follow on Twitter pointed me to this posting; which apparently offers some advice on getting a good mentor. Not only does it not do that; but the advice is pretty random. I thought I could do better. So here are my thoughts on finding a mentor.

  1. In case the term is completely new to you, a mentor is someone who can help you start or run your business, by giving you the benefit of their advice and experience. Experience is the key word: mentors are usually people who have been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and washed it a few times. Mentors are usually therefore older, and wiser.
  2. Mentors don’t charge. Please remember this: a mentor helps you because they enjoy your company, want you to succeed, and will take personal pleasure in your success. People who charge you for their advice are called consultants, and they are usually bloodsucking leeches who don’t take responsibility for their advice. Harsh words, but I have never found this to be false. If you can find a consultant who promises that if they’re wrong you’ll get your money back plus reparation for their mistakes, I’ll buy you lots of beer. After all, if a consultant had all the answers, why aren’t they prepared to commit to your business for just a share of profits?
  3. Most mentors will happily help you for nothing – see above. However, you should do the right thing and reward them with a shareholding or similar thank-you for their time and effort when you do become successful.
  4. A mentor should help you with the things you’re not very good at. And we’re all useless at something. If you’re a great salesperson, you probably don’t like boring stuff like managing the finances. If you’re great at raising funds, you probably don’t like the hard grind of delivery. Your mentor will be able to help you avoid the pitfalls which we’re all more likely to fall into when we’re dealing with areas of the business which we least like.
  5. See your mentor regularly – once a month will do; much less and he or she will be too disconnected to the business. Your mentor needs regular updates. See them away from the office, so that both of you are relaxed. A civilised lunch will do nicely.
  6. Be honest with your mentor. If you sugar-coat the situation with your mentor, you will get absolutely nothing out of it. He’s there to help solve your problems, so be honest and open about what they are.
  7. Mentors are everywhere. I know several entrepreneurs who swear by the advice they have received from close family and friends. I have chosen to work with several people who I class as mentors, who as well as being business partners in one venture have been kind enough to offer their advice on others. A good team – mentors included – is at the heart of a great business (and I can honestly admit that I started out as a ‘do it all yourself’ person; which was a very bad move indeed).
  8. A mentor who understands your business is a potential goldmine. Businesses are not all the same – not by any means. Selling clothes is totally different from selling double glazing, for example. Find someone who has been successful in your field if at all possible.
  9. You have to get on well with your mentor. It is a business relationship second, and a personal one above all. If you don’t feel an instant positive connection, it doesn’t bode too well for the future.
  10. Observe a little courtesy. Email them regularly to say hello and update them. Invite them to your socials and office parties (I have noticed that mentors get a lot of interest at these things: the grandad figure who turns out to be both genial and genius). Confirm all meetings, and give them bullet points in advance so they know what you want to discuss.

Advertising: What are you getting for your money?

Now then; here’s another unlikely facet to my personality. I have a love of horror movies. So does my friend Claire – about once a month of a boring evening we are likely to be found on a sofa with a bottle of something red; glued to a horror classic.

So, last week, we were watching a horror movie, on a horror channel,  at around 2am. I can’t remember the channel, but there was an ad-break. And lo and behold: the first ad was for a ‘Playskool’ brand toy for children.

Now, I am prepared to believe that there are mums and dads up at 2am – after all, kids can keep you up all night and day. I am also prepared to believe that there are mums and dads who like horror movies – blood’n'gore and parenting aren’t completely mutually exclusive.

But you can’t tell me that a 2am horror film offers a remotely useful response compared to “In the Night Garden” (I have a lot of godchildren – I have learned a lot about children’s programmes recently…). It seems to me that Playskool have been sold a pup.

All of which made me wonder: what does a business get for the effort of advertising? Not many small businesses can afford to advertise on TV; but the rules of advertising in general broadly remain the same. Here is what little I know.

  1. Never pay ratecard: Whatever the official cost of advertising in your local newspaper, trade press etc. never, never, ever pay the full quoted price. Advertising sales is like buying a car: always open to negotiation.
  2. Creative is separate to buying: Since the dawn of advertising, the creative bit has always (rightly) been separated from the buying bit. Designing an ad which suits your needs is very different to knowing where to put it for maximum value and response. Feel free to get your ad designed by someone you choose – rather than e.g. the in-house creative team of the publication in which you want to advertise.
  3. Push for position: It’s your right to try to get the best value you can for your money. For example, I think it’s bonkers that people pay a fortune for a double-page spread in a newspaper. Readers flip straight over DPSs because there’s nothing else to read. Similarly, publications rightly charge more for certain positions (like inside front cover) which they know attract a higher response. So, in your negotiation foir print placement, push for better positioning: try asking for one of these (very few of which carry ‘official’ extra pricing:
    • Guaranteed not next to another advertisement
    • Next to appropriate article
    • First 20% of publication
    • Centre pages
    • Top-left positioning
  4. If it doesn’t work, don’t try again! Advertising either works, or it doesn’t. Salespeople are trained to try to get you to sign up for longer periods. This is rubbish. If your ad doesn’t yield results at all, don’t throw good money after bad. Spend your budget somewhere else.
  5. It’s a numbers game. Advertising is about numbers- how many people you reach who might be interested in what you’re offering. And that’s it. Demand circulation numbers for the duration of your advert; and make a cold-blooded judgement on its value.

Ladies who lunch – Soho for a fiver

This week, I have turned my blog over to our interns (who are well on their way to running the entire company – by next year I should be a long-forgotten footnote in my own corporate history…). They’ve compiled a mighty travelogue to lunching in Soho on a fiver – clearly a true testament to my meanness…

The interesting thing is, getting lunch for a fiver in Soho is a genuine achievement. If we worked on an industrial estate in Peterborough, £2.50 would be a bit pricey, but capitalism and the laws of congregated value are alive and well, and despite the recession, we’re still paying handsomely for a spot of lunch. (I suspect hummous is also in short supply on industrial estates in Peterborough…) Anyhow, if you’re in our part of town, let my fab interns be your guide to grand grub. Ladies, over to you…

As interns on a project that the lovely Nick (who is way too young to have grandchildren by the way) is part of, we receive travel expenses and a lunch allowance.  The office is conveniently located directly opposite a Prêt-a-Manger, which seems to be the go-to place for everyone in the office.  We think this is a shame, as Soho is bursting at the seams with small restaurants serving every cuisine under the sun, so we made it our personal mission to eat lunch somewhere different every day for a fiver.  These are some of our top picks: 

Melati, 30-31 Peter Street 

This unassuming and unpolished little restaurant on Peter Street is a Malaysian and Singaporean restaurant.  Oh, and it also does Indonesian food!  If you’re not a fan of dipping your toes into unknown culinary waters, then this probably isn’t the restaurant for you.  But if you delight in not quite knowing what you have ordered, then this is a must.  There are a few dishes with unfamiliar ingredients, and I sense the chef has a particular fondness for shrimps, but there is a good selection, including some veggie choices, so you should find something you like.  We both went for the Malaysian chicken curry.  Our meals came very promptly, looked and tasted delicious – domed mounds of pure white steamed rice, with generous chunks of chicken on the bone and potatoes in a malaysian-style spicy sauce.  This place is well worth a visit.

Vitaorganic, 74 Wardour Street

This place is Gillian McKeith’s idea of heaven. It claims to offer “vegetarian/vegan, certified organic ingredients, original ancient wheat and healing essential fats”. Seeing as we fancied a bit of healing essential fats, we gave it a go.  This place has more green sprouts than your granny’s chin, but surprisingly the food was flavoursome and the choice was extraordinary- even the fussiest of eaters should find something appetising.  But most importantly, you will feel smug all day long after eating the most nutritious meal of your entire lifetime.

Tuk Tuk Noodle Bar, 56 Old Compton Street 

This place is unashamedly cheap and cheerful, from the blinding orange and lime green exterior announcing its existence, to the basic noodle and rice-based Thai, Chinese and Japanese dishes.  Service is fast and the portions are large and filling. Try the Pad Thai – at £3.90, you won’t be disappointed.

Hummus Bros, 88 Wardour Street 

Hummus Bros serves hummus. Yes. Have your hummus accompanied by the topping of your choice (choose from beef, chicken, fava beans, guacamole, salad, mushrooms or chickpeas), with a generous helping of toasted pitta bread.  With Wagamama-style seating and Nandos-style service, this is fast food that’s good for you! They also offer extra lemon, garlic and chilli free of charge so you can have your hummus just the way you like it.  We tried the chicken, served in a tomato sauce – it was tasty enough and kept us going all afternoon.

Munch, 155 Wardour Street 

Munch is a trendy little establishment serving mainly falafel; in fact it used to be called Just Falafs, but it has since branched out.  The chicken and lamb wraps looked munch-worthy, but we plumped for the daily special- pork, chorizo and chickpea stew, served piping hot with a choice of rice or bread.  A little over budget at £5.70, but truly delicious!

Crisp N Fresh, 52 Wardour St 

This panini bar has a fantastic selection of fresh, homemade generously-sized paninis.  They have an extensive menu as well as daily specials, and classics like Brie and Cranberry sit alongside more unusual fillings like Thai Salmon with Sweet Chilli Sauce.  Prices are around the £4.50 mark, but if you take advantage of their lunch deal, you get any panini, any drink and a snack for £4.99.  There is limited seating inside, although Crisp N Fresh does have tables outside if you don’t mind the winter chill!

Opuz Kitchen, 27 Old Compton Street 

This Turkish cafe specialises in kebabs.  But if kebabs conjure up drink-filled hazy 2am Saturday nights, then think again.  Opuz Kitchen offers fresh meat kebabs and plenty of salad, as well as the standard doner.  It also serves a variety of other Turkish cuisine, of which the falafel is particularly good.  The food hits the spot and the service is efficient and quick – it is a pleasant cafe; but nothing really to write home about. 

Princi, 135 Wardour Street

The popularity of this Wardour Street eatery is testament to how good it is. Princi lures in customers with the delicious scent of rustic fresh bread, patisserie-style cakes, fresh salads and hot dishes, all with a distinctly Italian flavour.  The food, beautifully displayed in glass cabinets, sells itself; so the decor is kept low-key, but nevertheless very chic.  It’s no wonder this place is a favourite Soho haunt for media-types.  The trestle tables are modern and practical, and also give the restaurant a relaxed feel.  Prices at Princi are slightly more expensive than their competitors, but you can still get lunch for a fiver.

So there you have it: you can eat like a king in Soho without splashing the cash!

So… what sort of mood are you in today?

Ah yes… workplace stress. It happens to the best of us.

Apparently, we should all be doing more to moderate our behaviour, and try not to get too uptight. But, despite being presumably on a one-way ticket to a heart attack, I prefer to think that people don’t really change that much: if you’re calm and measured, that’s great; if you’re a hot-head, that’s just fine too.

I’m a hot-head. My natural state of mind veers between simmering and volcanic. It means I have an endless stream of good ideas, and then get annoyed because nothing is moving fast enough.

Which is why, today, my lovely colleagues installed the “Nick-O-Meter” (see picture) on the wall behind my desk. It’s a high-tech advanced warning device (calibrated from ‘Calm’ through to ‘Coruscating’) which gives a very accurate reading of my mood. I’m not allowed to touch it – only my team is allowed to change its setting, to enforce an entirely honest appraisal of my emotional situation for the benefit of all. I heartily recommend it to you all.

The Nick-O-Meter

Note from Microsoft Small Business Blog: this could catch on. Can I borrow it? Not so much workplace stress as home-based work stress due to ineptitude of British Telecom cancelling our number transfer to new property without telling us, and Royal Mail saying “You didn’t give us enough time to set up a redirect so we’re doing it on……” Whatever happened to “I’m sorry we weren’t able to help but…..”

The Post Office: Failing to deliver…

Today the Communications Workers Union decide whether postmen at the Royal Mail should progress towards strike action.

I wonder what has gone wrong.

Because it seems to me that the Royal Mail is in a parlous state – and the reason I care is that the state of the Royal Mail affects me and just about every other business in the country. I generally send my invoices by post (although of course, now I’m emailing them over). Mail order and internet companies need the postal service to ensure delivery to customers – and Christmas, their biggest trading period of the year, is coming up. Jeff Bezos, the legendary founder of Amazon.com said at the start of this decade that the existence of the Royal Mail was the main reason that the UK was Amazon’s first market outside the US.

Business in the UK needs the Royal Mail.

But it’s not looking good. It seems to me that the Royal Mail’s management has messed up:

  • The toughest challenge they have failed to solve is the massive pension deficit (I haven’t checked the figures, but I believe it stands at around £9bn)
  • The company still has a truly abysmal record on staff relations, with much acrimony between management, staff and unions.
  • Customers see very little to feel positive about, too. Second class deliveries barely exist; and in a world of email, the vast majority of postal mail is bills or unwanted junk mail (the sort that if it was online would be considered spam).

And then, there’s the staff. They’ve messed up too.

  • They have a reputation for militancy.
  • The Sunday papers this week featured stories of mail and parcels stacked up, unsorted and undelivered, in postage depots; while sorting office staff went home early.
  • The staff seem to have little understanding of (or involvement in) the major challenges facing their company: the threat from modern media like email, the effects of the recession etc.
  • And they also don’t seem to have noticed the threat from deregulation: companies like Deutsche Post are making great inroads in picking up more lucrative delivery and parcel handling operations from under the Royal Mail’s nose.

As a small business, it seems to me that I have much to worry about in watching this important part of daily British business life fall apart. And fall apart it will, unless there’s a dramatic improvement in industrial relations.

Get paid fast – without spending a penny

I once conducted an interview with a chap from the Better Payment Practice Group. They’re a lobbying group who represent the small business community; and their raison d’etre is to help small businesses improve their cashflow by getting paid on time.

Much of their work – and the bit which gets the most media attention – involves publicly bashing big companies who hold smaller companies to ransom by endlessly extending their payment terms (or worse still, simply not bothering to pay at all unless you kick up a rumpus).

In these troubled economic times, many larger companies are playing a particularly hard game – whilst the majority of my customers are wonderful and very honest indeed, I have already had one major client unilaterally extend their payment terms from 30 days to sixty days. It’s a cheeky thing to do, because not only are my terms thirty days, but we even have a contract with clear acceptance of the thirty day period. But that’s the nature of the game: they know full well I want their business, and they’re the bigger party. It’s basically playground bullying on a larger scale.

However, the most interesting part of my conversation with the man from BPPG was something he told me that I will never forget. He said that by far the most prevalent reason for invoices being paid late is that the invoices weren’t up to scratch in the first place.

Think about it: if there’s something wrong with your invoice, do you think your client’s Accounts Department is going to ring you up and mention the fact? No, they’re going to sit on it, do something else with their time, and buy themselves 30 days of free credit until you finally realise and chase them. And then bag another 30 days while you put it right.

Worse still, chasing Accounts Departments isn’t easy – I chased an invoice last year, where the Accounts Manager said to me with a giggle: “Oh! I only took the call because I was pretty sure we didn’t owe you anything”! At least he was honest…

And yet, getting your invoices right really isn’t much trouble. If the following sound basic, it’s because they are. But almost all companies manage to mess this lot up somewhere. Here are some top tips on the stuff which you must put into your invoices:

  • Your company name, and if it’s limited, your Company Number
  • Your address. Really. If you don’t put it in, don’t be surprised if you don’t get a cheque back
  • Your VAT number, if you’re registered for VAT. It’s an illegal document if you don’t.
  • The client’s reference number, if there is one (usually a Purchase Order number). This is a massively useful tool for procrastination if the client has allocated a P/O number and you forget to include it.
  • Your bank account details (account number and sort code). Put these in, and you may well get paid electronically, which these days is an instant transaction. Fail to do so, and you’re stuck with cheques – which will add seven days or more to your payless period.
  • …And finally, make the numbers add up! I have lost count of the invoices I’ve received where the numbers just don’t tot up properly. Use Excel, get it right, and you’ll save yourself loads of hassle.

To prove the point, here’s a clear and simple sample invoice (it’s taken from the ones we actually use), which are produced in Excel. We keep paper and PDF copies, and I spend no more than an hour a month putting them all together.

Sample Invoice

Some companies are always going to be problematic payers, but it’s bonkers to find out that sometimes it’s your own fault. Get your invoices right, and at least you’ll know you’re right to take the moral high ground…

And if you’re still using pen & paper to keep track of your invoices – have you thought about making life easier with some accounting software? You can download Microsoft Office Accounting 2009 Express free of charge, and manage your invoices, expenses and cash flow online.

The Songbird croaks at Canary Wharf

If, like me, you’re doing your best to run a business under difficult economic circumstances, spare a thought for Songbird, the majority owner of that mighty symbol of capitalism, Canary Wharf.

Last week, Songbird pulled in the largest ever equity raising in the British property industry in order to stave off bankruptcy: tapping new investors for just over £1bn.

I won’t bore you with the details of the deal; but the staggeringly large numbers involved are put into stark relief by the equally staggering losses in value for existing investors. Depending on their chosen course of action, they stand to lose between 93% and 99% of their investment.

Yet the physical monetary value of Canary Wharf is only down by 7.5% (to £4.6bn). How does a 7.5% loss in value become a 99% loss of faith?

The problem is, markets bear no resemblance to physical value. Rather, markets put a value on perception and belief; and right now, very few people have much belief in commercial property.

Worse still, the nature of business accentuates downward trends. When a business is in trouble, rescuers don’t wade in straight away. Instead, they sniff around until the company is perceived to be in dire straits, and then pick it up for a “vulture’s price”.

The Songbird / Canary Wharf tale is a classic example of this market brutality in action.

You and I, running our own little businesses, don’t need to worry about numbers of that sort of size. But there is a lesson to be had: keeping your business running within some acceptable boundaries is a very good idea.

Think of it rather in the same way as driving down the motorway. Technically, you can swerve all the way onto the hard shoulder and still be driving on perfectly good tarmac. But once you’ve swerved that far, it’s very hard to rejoin the carriageway, rather than tonking it off into a hedge.

Basically, businesses which look like they’re in bad shape get treated like they’re in terrible shape. Anything you can do to put a brave face on things is a good idea. If you’re begging for business, you’ll get knocked down on price. Similarly, if you keep discounting, you’ll get a reputation for discounting, and you’ll never be able to put your prices back up.

Stick to your guns, keep mindful of the real value in your business, and stay in the middle lane – no matter how tempting it is to get bashed down.

How to buy technology

I’ve wanted to write about buying technology for some time now. It’s a world that’s changing pretty fast – faster than most journalists like me can effectively communicate to the business community at large.

The problem is that, ten years ago, five even, the majority of the IT-driven work in a small business happened on the desktop. Sure, growing companies had servers, but they were pretty much restricted to basic data storage, and all the clever stuff happened on desktop PCs.

Today, all that has changed. PCs are becoming more lightweight; the heavy duty processing is happening on highly functional servers, and then there’s the power of cloud computing too; which has turned software into a commodity.

This is all good stuff (believe me, it’s slashing the cost of technology procurement for smaller businesses). But it means that the path to efficient IT has become more complicated. Growth is no longer as simple as “adding more PCs until everyone’s happy”.

All managers, especially owners of small companies who don’t have an in-house IT specialist, have to get a little bit of IT procurement know-how under their belts, to make sure they buy the right kit for the right result at the right price.

Here are some tips to get you started: 

  • Buying IT is no longer a single decision. It’s progress along an evolutionary plan. The decisions you make on Day One will have far-reaching implications. Therefore, commit to technologies carefully, and then work with them whole-heartedly to extract maximum value. SharePoint, for example, which is one of Microsoft’s flagship business products, is usually used as a data repository and for knowledge management. But once it’s installed, there are rafts of extra functionality available; from management dashboards and staff performance measurement to intranets and even web site administration. My point is, you can get a lot done with one purchase; but you also have to live with that decision- so think it through from the start.
  • All that commitment demands a strategy: you need to outline what you want your IT to do. You wouldn’t run your business without a business plan or a decent set of accounts; so put together an IT strategy, too. That way, there’s a much greater chance that you’ll buy stuff which actually does what your business needs it to achieve. Express these IT demands in terms of your business, not specific technology functions; as any IT provider or partner should be able to translate your business objectives into first-class IT.
  • Technology is – or ought to be – an investment. (It will usually depreciate across 2-4 years). Every piece of IT you buy to plug a gap, solve a problem or bridge a crisis is a false economy; whereas every piece of IT you buy as part of a long-term strategic assessment of your business goals is a good investment, and will yield long-term value. One of the big mistakes small companies make is to see IT as a bottomless pit of spending. Get out of the habit of using your hard-earned money to plug holes, and (even if you have to spend a bit more upfront), get quality IT in from the start.

And if you’re not sure what software you want, get a free trial first. Microsoft offers various free trials of Office products and if you’re thinking about online services, you can also try a Microsoft Online Service free for 30 days.

In praise of the intern

Today, I have been interviewing interns (none of those jokes, please).

Now, usually I would take this opportunity to criticise the state of the education system, and moan about how ill-prepared for the workplace today’s school and college leavers are. Every batch of CVs brings me another classic howler (this week we got ‘I am particularly conscientious about spelling and gramma’).

Instead, I want to concentrate on something more positive: the amazing resilience of the people I have met today.

Which means I have to be honest about my own postgraduate days. I was one of the last school-years to receive a completely fee-free university education. I was also lucky enough to be well supported by my parents. And I graduated without the burden of a student loan on my shoulders.

And despite having the mother of all silver spoons, I left college without any of the discipline to market myself in the workplace. I’ve done alright for myself, but there have been some very hard lessons along the way.

Today, in contrast, I have met some extraordinary people. I have met people who have saved money from holiday jobs, so that they can have some money behind them for an internship to further their careers. (I never saved a penny at uni…) I met a girl who held down two jobs to fund her college course. And I have met people who have travelled thousands of miles to pursue their career goals.

I, on the other hand, was about as focused as a drunkard on a foggy day when I started out on the road to employment.

It’s a tough environment out there, and I suspect a lot of very talented individuals are finding it hard to get work. On today’s evidence, I am heartened to be able to say that some of these people are definitely worth the effort.